Irritable Personalities and Relationships

Every family has them, those irritable personalities that require extra effort to get along with and maintain relationships. In our family there have been a few. My ex husband's family were filled up with rude obnoxious individuals who lacked the finesse required to be part of a family. For the most part, they were quite comfortable in their own world rejecting any newcomers and alienating family members without reason or cause. I remember thinking it was just his family's way of rejecting me (taking it personally for unknown reasons), but I've since found that it wasn't just his family. There are many families who have members (either in groups or singular) just like them.

I struggled for years to love them anyway, giving long after there was anything to give. Even after my ex left, realizing that he too was unable to be part of family relationships, I continued to find inner peace through loving. Eventually, I realized that I could choose to love them and they still might choose to reject the love.

Not everybody likes building relationships and being part of a family. Some actually prefer their solitude, at least they claim to prefer it. Whether they really don't want family, or just don't have any ability to co-associate and develop relationships, I'm not certain, but they certainly aren't willing to go the distance to be part of a family relationship.

In a recent discussion with my best friend, she revealed sharp comments made by a sister-in-law about her baby. She is a great mom, but the sister-in-law commented on how unkempt her children are. I've never seen her children unkempt. I have seen them happily playing in the sand box outside their home, or dancing in the sprinkler in the back yard during the summer. I reminded my friend that the sister-in-law has no children and no probably chance of ever having them because she's chosen a career choice that affords her no time for family... She's still single with no serious suitors. With the realization that parenting probably isn't part of the sister-in-law's future, my friend took a different tact to dealing with her over the holidays. Instead of being offended by her advice and comments, she responded with a knowing smile, "It's a real blessing to have children who are sometimes allowed to play and have fun without being concerned about fashion strategies."

When my daughter visited her husband's family and came home frustrated with a brother who has no children and lacks tact, we discussed the same issues. He isn't dating, lacks the ability to consider anyone else's perspective because he's all wrapped up in his own issues. His comments are out of lack of knowledge and understanding, and although they may be intended to strike out at her, she doesn't have to take them that way. She could actually consider his lack of personal experience and simply feel sorry for his inept position rather than taking his comments personally.

When we realize that we can perceive others out of our fullness of life, rather than acknowledging their emptiness, our lives and our responses to family relationships and irritable personalities changes. We gain control of the situation and become more than capable of loving the person through their irritable output. Our ability to love may not improve our relationships with those people, but it will allow us to live in peace without feeling rejection by those personalities.