Family Grudges, Lies and Untruths

Living in a family where grudges against other family members are deep seated, unending, and relentlessly growing, can be difficult no matter how many years you've been in the family. At first, I struggled for acceptance, ignoring the red flags at lies stated about family members, when I knew them to be untrue, then I realized I didn't have to be susceptible to those who perpetuated the grudges, the lies and the problems. If some chose to hang onto the grudges, I could simply allow them to exit my life as they wished. I didn't have to perpetuate the problem by continuing to be part of the family grudge network.

I chose to let go.

I chose to walk away. And walk away, I did. To another far corner of the state, away from the family I loved, because it was simply easier to forgive them their grudges and move on, without them in my life, than it was to continue fighting the battle of righting continuing wrongs. At first, I thought I could just let it all go, forgive, forget and move past the lies. But their lies grew...

No longer were their lies perpetuated against my mother, who was no longer here. She'd forgiven, let them go and moved on to her Heavenly home, without the stumbling blocks of family members who continued to lie about her.

Now, their lies turned to other members of the family. Brutal untruths, when their own plates were dirty, disgusting and damaged. I had chosen to forgive, pray for them and let go of the anger. I continued to let it go. I continued to walk away.

But... I chose to walk further away. Beyond forgiveness and letting go. I chose to remove myself from their presence, from their lies and from their brutal meanness and untruth.

I refused to stoop to lies or even to defending their lies. I left. Leaving didn't mean I didn't love them, it simply meant that I was no longer tolerant of the ignorant perpetuation of the family grudge. I didn't have to participate, to continue to live with it, I could live without the grudge. I could live a better life without condoning and tolerating the stupidity that continued.

When asked by my best friend why I chose not to respond to their lies against my parents, with truths that I knew... Such as the time her father took a log chain to threaten my grandfather and my mom stepped between them. Or the time her father took money, his wife requested from my grandparents for food and bought drinks for everyone in the bar, bragging that his father-in-law gave him the money, when my father was repairing the refrigeration system behind the bar, listening, knowing full well that when he got home, mom would have loaned my grandparents the money to replace what they loaned to my uncle. Fair? No. But what good would perpetuating the grudge have done? Would there be any benefit?

Is there ever any benefit in perpetuating a grudge?

Is there EVER any benefit in stirring up a problem where truly the problem doesn't exist between the two people having a discussion?

Words once spoken can never be taken back. The problem with exchanging frustrations in a situation where there's no real problem to begin with is that no solution can be found. None. No one forgives. No action can be taken if the problem continues to be exchanged in frustration.

Families are torn apart. Lives are ruined. Entire communities are ripped to shreds over... what? Some grudge that nobody really understands or knows how it started? The world could be a better place. And yet... there's that freedom of speech thingie.

I want to say what I feel, but you can't? How does that work again?

Today, I experienced this in many different ways, mostly as people telling me that my opinion isn't worthy of sharing. I had no right to my opinion, my "facts" because mine were WRONG. No, they were mine.

If I can listen and hear your side of the story, why can't you listen to mine? Really?

It's called civility. It's called freedom of speech. It's called respecting the rights of others to BE HEARD.

If I hear you, you need to take a moment and HEAR me. Really listen and HEAR what I'm saying. Don't get in my face and tell me that I'm an idiot because YOUR view is right and mine is not. I have a right to say what I believe too. And, my beliefs are just as justified and valid as yours.

Rocking Realm of Power

I was given a rocking chair for mother's day a few years ago. My daughter thought it would be an appropriate gift, and it was definitely something I wanted. I have always loved the rocking chairs out in front of Cracker Barrel. So, I have one.

A few days back, I was asked if I was a Rocking Chair Grandma. All three of my grandchildren currently live with me and we have a mass of toys blocking every pathway through our home, every tabletop is covered by coloring books, crayons and entertainment for little ones, including quite often my desk. So, I considered the question quite thoroughly.

In the process of making a few life changes over the past year, I've let my hair grow out to my natural color, or current lack thereof. Gray appears washed out and colorless, but it is the color God invented for my hair. I'm not a fan. As hard as I've tried to get used to the color, I can't. I struggle with it daily. Every time I pass a mirror, I see the gray and feel old. I'm not. I'm a vibrant young woman with much life to live and gray isn't my color. In fact, as I write this, I've decided that I will be buying hair color on my next visit to the store. I'm tired of feeling old when I see myself in the mirror.

But the question, am I a Rocking Chair Grandma, still exists... The answer, yes. I live in a rocking realm of power. That power that comes to women of age who know that nothing that happens to them is too big for God to overcome. My hope is eternal and not of this world, therefore I have power to change my world. ;)

Being a Grandma rocks!

Spunky, Charger, and Mom

Nicknames can be fun. When Oris George started calling me Charger a few years back, I admired the concept and loved hearing the name. It fit. A single parent for more than twelve years, I've been dedicated to my children and determined to raise them well. I have great children, who have become great adults. Three of the four have crossed that plateau, one still clinging to mom's apron strings (he doesn't realize yet, that I've cut him loose), and one still in high school, hanging onto every minute of youth.

Spunky came as a surprise a few weeks back, from a friend here in Denver. She answered the phone, "Hey Spunky, what's up?" She couldn't possibly know how much that new nickname meant, or that it's kept me reaching for the next step on the ladder to success for the past three months. I've struggled to keep up, and life seems to be getting in my way recently. But, having someone give me a nickname that reminded me that I'm spunky, gregarious and motivated helps to keep me in that "charger" mode.

Motivation sometimes comes from knowing that my Hope never fails. I love the positive power of faith in my life and knowing that I can achieve all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Charge!

Wrap Up on Aisle 9

We've all been there, standing in the middle of the aisle needing to find that perfect gift and realizing that we're just too tired to keep shopping. My youngest daughter has always been totally impossible to buy for, especially Christmas or birthdays when you might want to surprise her. She hates surprises and she's picky (don't tell her I said that).

She has a specific kind of pants she wears (they have to fit exactly perfect). She wears a particular kind of sweaters. Her jackets and shoes have to fit perfectly too, and the only dress I've got her in the past ten years, she'd selected and still hasn't worn. So, there I stood looking up and down the aisle wanting to get her something special, but absolutely nothing stood out as something she'd wear or use. I knew anything I purchased would be returned to the store and I realized I wasn't willing to buy it, if it was only going back.

I looked both ways down the aisle again and turned my cart back toward the front of the store. That was my last gift, and I wasn't buying anything. I stacked my purchases on the revolving belt and paid for them at the cash register. Again this Christmas, there would be nothing under the tree for my Ms Priss. By the time I got to the car, tears of frustration were streaming and I knew 'nothing' wasn't going to work for me. She didn't care if I bought her a gift card, but I cared. I wanted her to have a new sweater or something for Christmas - UNDER the tree. It was important to me, if nobody else.

I locked the purchases in the car and went back inside.

Determination had filled me to the brim and I was set on finding a gift for my daughter. I pushed the cart up and down several aisles in the store before I saw it. On a shelf near eye level, inside a snow globe were two angels, one bigger angel and one very small angel, appearing to be mother and daughter. On the front of the globe was a small brass plate that said, "I see me in you!"

As I pushed the cart with my new, boxed purchase toward the cash register, my second time through, I saw a beautiful dark red sweater. Just the right size, cut with a deep v-neck, the sweater would follow my daughter's curves and still fit well. I put the sweater in the cart and added a pretty necklace from the table near the front of the store. Three gifts that I could see her loving on Christmas morning, and I paid for them as I left the store through Aisle 9.

Tebow - The Slice for Today!

In case anyone wonders about Charger-Mom, I'm Charger "the Mom" not the mom of a Charger. But that question isn't likely to come up on a day when the Chargers fall to their demise at the hands of Bronco's best, Tebow.

Tebowing is a family event these days, as we take our bow before the Lord a humble and prayerful moment of Thanksgiving, revealing our favorite pose. Tebow rocks! I'm grateful to the man who made bowing in Praise of our Lord once again an acceptable behavior in the realms of football fans, the world over. Even in these days of religious turmoil, the "Tebow" act can be recognized the world over, as people take the pose.

Today, just for the sake of recognition... The Broncos BEAT the Chargers in a massive GAME Day win of 16 points over 13. And the world took the Tebow. Amen

A Grateful Heart

In the gulf stream of tears that flowed through my life this week, I found sustenance and peace. There are times when I know the flowing of tears is simply a river I must wade through to get to the greener pastures, sunrises and sunsets that fill my mountain view with color. The valleys can be forged, the rivers can be bridged, and the mountains can be climbed, but I cannot accomplish all at the same time. I have to live in the valley occasionally and maintain my view of the mountain.

Such is the reason, the purpose and the balance of living in a world created out of abundance for gratitude. My life is filled up with an abundance of blessings, I must remember to be grateful for all that I've been given.

The Red Dress

In the nightly scheme of survival, my daughter arrives home from work and reads Tricia Williford's blog. This isn't a bad thing, Tricia is a fellow writer and her blog posts are more often than not relevant to our lives. Tricia's husband Robb passed away in her arms on December 23, 2010. She's feeling the ultimate form of abandonment, not that he abandoned her, as that implies he left her of his own will. He did not. He was taken from her, by death; stolen right out of her arms in the bedroom they shared.

Her posts are relevant in our lives because both my daughter and I are divorced, abandoned to be single mothers. Whether that was our wish or not, our goal in life or not, never mattered, the other half of our respective marriages, left. The abandonment in our lives is so complete and yet... so unending. Each moment we're alive, we know that we weren't loved "enough."

That feeling of lacking love, lacking sustenance and understanding, of missing that which we were promised comes full circle as she reads Tricia's blog each night. Occasionally, Tricia's posts cross that line of definition between widowed and divorce to touch the defiance that a woman feels when she's left without a mate.

Such is the case with her post about a red dress.

No only does she share her heart and the feelings she felt when Robb took her out on special dates and she prepared to meet him as his loving and graceful wife, who dolled herself up to look attractive to him, but she shares the part of her that says, "I need to feel loved, appreciated and cared for by one man."  Every woman desires that feeling.

I remember talking to my mother a short while after Dad left as she worked around the yard wearing an old tattered and worn out t-shirt and jeans. She didn't care that she wasn't dressed attractively. It mattered not one whit to her... because nobody appreciated her dressing up anymore. I remembered that feeling and my heart ached for her. Still today, I remember that feeling. I felt it as I read Tricia's post tonight about her desire to wear the red dress.

I too, desire to wear the red dress. But more than wearing the red dress... I want that feeling of love and appreciation that goes with wearing the red dress.

I often dress up, fix my hair and doll up in my pretty clothes, but as a single woman with teenaged children, twenty something daughters and grandchildren, I'm far more likely to hear, "Why are you trying to dress up today?" than I am to hear how pretty I am. Even on the professional front, as I dress for work... there's no one who offers up the compliments, the admiration, and the appreciation for the time I took "extra" to get all dolled up and looking pretty. And it wouldn't really matter if they did, because at the end of the day... nobody loves me enough to be there - every night.

Sad, but true.

I want to be heard...

There are those moments when life just rolls around you like water in the ocean. You know you're there, but the water surrounds you in such a volatile way that you wonder if the ocean knows you're there.

Life sometimes surrounds me in the same way.

While I'm challenged by the world around me, forced to participate in the lives of the many, I wonder if anyone truly participates in my life. Am I heard? Do people notice that I'm here? Or... Do I simply blend into the woodwork, the wallpaper and the furniture?

As a writer, I view what I have to say as important, valuable and constructive. There's seldom a period of time that I'm not writing down words about something of some importance, at least to me. But, is any of it of importance to anyone else?

This isn't depression, it's simply a wondering about what truly matters. I've spent a lot of time helping others, giving to others, and making an effort to help others, both in writing, in person, and in gifts of money, time or other ways of helping... But, is it noticed?

Each year near Christmas I watch the movie, It's a Wonderful Life. Love that movie. It's amazing! It shows one man that he makes an incredible difference in the world around him and that he has changed the lives of many in his community.

Have I?

Have I made a difference in the world in which I live? Is there anyone out there who is better off because I'm here, because I've impacted their lives in some way? I've never saved anyone from drowning that I'm aware of... or from feeding a neighbor poison... or from a life of boredom as the town librarian? But... I hope I've made a difference.

I hope my life has stood for something, that I've made a difference, and that along through the years, I've impacted the lives of those around me in some positive manner.... And it would be nice to know that...

The Dating Game - Prolific Profiles

How do you write prolific profiles for the dating sites? The beginning of the process always starts out so simple, you just reveal a little bit about yourself and then leave it alone for a few days and see what's coming back your way. If you're lucky, you hit on something good the first time, and the first responses are viable. Then again, most often, the first responses are something you'd rather NOT see, and you're picking and choosing through the rubble of information, attempting to fine tune what you wrote to collect a better qualifying person.

Those first postings can often be too passive to grab the attention of the man you really want to attract. But, how do you fine tune who you are?

I'm a strong proponent of being yourself in the presentation. Don't embellish the truth, it's like posting an enhanced photo. Don't do it. Post the real you, and be yourself in all postings. You want someone who will love you where you are, acknowledging that you're a changing being, always evolving to meet the needs of life and family, but still YOU under all the change.

More often than not, there's no way for a possible "friend" to contact you, unless your "friend" picks up on the little hints you leave in your profile. If you're recognizable on the Internet, through google or some other search technique, he may be able to locate you through a profile "brand" or some word combination you leave as a hint, telling him about yourself. Using a personal brand to identify yourself may get you banned from the dating sites, if they catch you at it. Or, it may result in you actually being contacted by your "true love" if he's smart enough to find it.

Are you really interested in finding the right guy to date? When I started looking, the wrong guys kept finding me. They were awful. Always guys I'd never even meet in real life. Then I started meeting a few nicer guys, some who had something in common with me, and a few who actually had the same "likes and dislikes" I did with their own personality and interests. Those guys fascinated me. For a while I was pleasantly surprised by the "anticipation" of having someone new "like" me on the site. Then I realized few of them are members, and none of them are responding in any meaningful way.

This has to go a different direction or I'll never actually meet one of them. So, I changed my profile to include a few phrases where they might find me, if they really looked. Including a few hints as to where they might look. Book reviews, if you post reviews on Amazon, would give your "dating options" a good place to search out your profile and interests. You'd only have to write a book review about the book you say you're reading on the site. Then say you post reviews in your profile. Just don't say where... Most men can find a review on Amazon, or through Google Search Bars.

It's 2010 and the majority of men are computer literate enough to locate essential data via search engine.

My latest review on Life Expectancy by Dean Koontz are up on ACE Writers.

Wanna chat? Email me at jan@janverhoeff

If that's the best there is...

Recently, my daughter talked me in to posting a singles ad, because she has had excellent responses to her own ad. I giggled with her as I posted an ad, depicting not only my best qualities, but the real qualities that make me human. We not only had fun posting the ad, but also enjoyed the first few responses.

There was a wanna be immigrant, asking me to bring him to the USA and marry him. So NOT going to happen! Then there was another person from some far away land where English is not his first language, attempting to convince me he was an American working abroad. NOT. Another contact share his desire for an "older more experienced woman" and I noticed he quoted his age as 26. Ahem, my daughter isn't much younger than he is, and I'd never date anyone that young. And then a serious "suitor" happened past, and contacted me.

He drawled on the phone for two hours about how he hails from northern Texas and has a great job working for the state of Texas. I listened intently, way past the point where I realized I wasn't interested, just trying to be polite. When he started regaling me with his life history for the third time, I begged off, explaining that I had another call to make before it was too late. By that time, I'd already shared with him that I was searching for a more traditional relationship.

The next contestant, proclaimed himself to be a wealthy world traveler with multiple continental experiences. His phone conversation lasted all of five minutes. I decided I'd had enough of his boasting and simply hung up the phone. Polite responses had been rejected, so I figured he needed to hear the buzz of a dead line to stop his boasting.

Then the best of all, a cable television installer responded, explaining that he'd been sober for almost three months now and was looking for a good woman who wouldn't drive him back to drinking. (He laughed) I wasn't laughing. I excused myself from the call and got off the phone.

I went back to the site to remove my "ad" and shared with my daughter that if those were the best specimen the world offered, I'd remain single for the balance of my life. The worst part of the whole experience is that I know others who have had excellent responses from the same site. So, I have to take a serious look at what I was looking for and why those losers singled me out... Was it really the lack of good women in my age bracket?

Just wondering, because I know a lot of eligible women who would not be interested in any of those men.

Thanks, but... no thanks!